A wife was making a breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A woman came home

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

One day

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."So he tied her up and went golfing.

YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS REST

DOCTOR: YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS REST & PEACE HERE ARE SOME SLEEPING PILLS.

WIFE: WHEN I MUST GIVE THEM TO HIM?

DOCTOR: THEY ARE FOR YOU.

A man was invited

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house.

Every time the host needed something,
he preceded his request to his wife by calling her

"My Love",

"Darling",

"Sweetheart",

etc.,

etc.

His friend looked at him and said,

"That's really nice after all of these years
you've been married to keep saying those
little pet names."

The host said,
"Well, honestly,
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I've forgotten her name."

Husband and wife are like

Husband and wife are like two tyres of a vehicle.
If 1 tyre is punchered, the vehicle cannot move further.

MORAL:-Always keep extra tyre (Girl Friend)

A man received a letter

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you do not promise to send us $100,000, we promise you, we will kidnap your wife."

The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I cannot keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

A man was driving well above the speed limit

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he had out pace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car speed accelerated to 60, then 70, 80, and 90. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: Listen, Mister, I have a very boring day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.

The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.

A Husband makes a Call

A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant
wife. But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.

He asked what is the condition.

He died after what he heard.
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Guess What would be the reply ...........
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It is ...
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7 are already out.
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3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.
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and .........
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The first one was a DUCK.

Funny E-Mail Joke

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife. However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realizing this error, he sent the message. Meanwhile, Somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting message from her relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which reads


To: My loving wife
Subject: I have just reached
Date: 13th October 2006

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

MORAL OF THE STORY:- Be careful while sending e-mails

A man was getting into

A man was getting into the shower just as his wife was finishing up her shower, at the same time the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel...'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob; after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

The husband asks, 'Did he say anything about giving back my $800 ?'

A Philosopher was giving speech

A Philosopher was giving speech to the people. He told to the people, “Always listen to your wife as she gives 100% sound advice.”

People asked him, “Please Sir, tell in details how the wife gives 100% sound advice?”

The Philosopher replied, “99% sound and 1% advice.”

On wedding night

On wedding night, a nervous husband tells his wife, "I am only five feet and six inches......"
Wife says, "...forget the five feet. Lets concentrate on the six inches."


CLICK HERE TO E-MAIL THIS JOKE TO YOUR FRIENDS

You will marry

You will marry by all means. If you get a good wife then you will be very happy. If you get a bad wife you will become a philosopher.

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Gift

Wife: Last night I saw you in a dream that you gifted me jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah........ and I saw your dad was paying the bill!

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Photo In Wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. What is the reason?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am in your life?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can be greater than this one?

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Choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband: Yes....What are my choices?

Wife: Yes or No.

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Expiry Date

Wife: What are you doing?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate from two hours.

Husband: I was looking for the expiry date.

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A woman writes to the Technical support Guy

A woman writes to the Technical support Guy........

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

What can I do?



She got a reply back from the Technical Support Guy.

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. Remember....... overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

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woodcutter joke

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the God appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"


The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the God asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The God again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the God asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, ""No.""

The God went down again and came up with an iron Axe. ""Is this your axe?"" the God asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later, the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the God again appeared and asked him, ""Why are you crying?""

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The God went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the God asked..

""Yes,"" cried the woodcutter.

The God was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, ""Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .""

SEND THIS JOKE TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY USING THIS BUTTON