STUDENTS: A Teacher
What do you call
TEACHER: Students........... what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
STUDENTS: A Teacher
STUDENTS: A Teacher
Funny Answer
TEACHER: Pinky.... name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
PINKY: It is Me!
PINKY: It is Me!
Math Multiplication Joke
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
Who discovered America ?
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
A man went to the library
A man went to the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I have ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were too many characters"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
A man was driving well above the speed limit
A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he had out pace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car speed accelerated to 60, then 70, 80, and 90. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: Listen, Mister, I have a very boring day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.
The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: Listen, Mister, I have a very boring day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.
The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.
The design of the sari
Lady : The design of the sari is excellent. But the colour is not good.
Salesman : Don't worry madam. The colour will disappear after the first wash.
Salesman : Don't worry madam. The colour will disappear after the first wash.
What three words
Professor : What three words are the most used by college students?
Student : I don't know.
Professor : Absolutely correct.
Student : I don't know.
Professor : Absolutely correct.
I do not want to marry
Man 1:- I do not want to marry because I am afraid of ALL women.
Man 2:- Get married soon, then you will be afraid of only one woman and start loving other women.
Man 2:- Get married soon, then you will be afraid of only one woman and start loving other women.
Funny Love Letter
My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , you are my TVS SCOOTY (first love) and my AIWA (pure passion) . I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best) . You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ! CALIBE! R (the unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (born tough) , but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones) . If our fathers say no , we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (let's make things better) . They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA-COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye) . Trust in God who's always NOKIA (connecting people) who love each other. And do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable) . So never forget me. Ok bye!
I wrote little but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more)!!.
Yours
LG (digitally yours).
I wrote little but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more)!!.
Yours
LG (digitally yours).
Bear Says
Bear Says : If I roar in the forest , the entire forest shivers with fear
Lion Says : If I roar in the forest , the entire jungle is in fear
Pig Says : I only have to cough and the entire planet lives in fear
Lion Says : If I roar in the forest , the entire jungle is in fear
Pig Says : I only have to cough and the entire planet lives in fear
Desirable Things
All the desirable things in life are either illegal or expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
Three students did not prepare for a test
Three students did not prepare for a test.They made a plan. They went to the principal next morning and said, "Sir, we had gone for a wedding and our car tyre bursted. So we had to push all the way could not study." The college principal agrees and gives them five days time. After five days all the three students were seated in "different rooms" and the question paper consisted of only 1 question.......
WHICH TYRE WAS BURSTED ?
1.Front right
2.Front left
3.Back right
4.Back left
WHICH TYRE WAS BURSTED ?
1.Front right
2.Front left
3.Back right
4.Back left
Funny Poem
Drinking drinking little Beer
How I wonder what a Bar
Quarter rates are up so high
Drink a peg with chicken fry
How I wonder what a Bar
Quarter rates are up so high
Drink a peg with chicken fry
Cheers
Problems may come but u must take it as a " ROYAL CHALLENGE "
Otherwise people will call you an "OLD MONK"
And stick a "BLACK LABEL" to you.
But you must fight like "NAPOLEAN",
Live like a "BAGPIPER",
Strut around like "JHONNY WALKER",
Work till "8PM",
Think like a "DIRECTOR SPECIAL"
And do not forget the cute little "BLACK DOG"
Then your life will be like an "IMPERIAL BLUE"
And if you do above things there will be good value for your "SIGNATURE "
! ! ! Cheers ! ! !
Otherwise people will call you an "OLD MONK"
And stick a "BLACK LABEL" to you.
But you must fight like "NAPOLEAN",
Live like a "BAGPIPER",
Strut around like "JHONNY WALKER",
Work till "8PM",
Think like a "DIRECTOR SPECIAL"
And do not forget the cute little "BLACK DOG"
Then your life will be like an "IMPERIAL BLUE"
And if you do above things there will be good value for your "SIGNATURE "
! ! ! Cheers ! ! !
A Husband makes a Call
A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant
wife. But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.
He asked what is the condition.
He died after what he heard.
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Guess What would be the reply ...........
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It is ...
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7 are already out.
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3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.
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and .........
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The first one was a DUCK.
wife. But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.
He asked what is the condition.
He died after what he heard.
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Guess What would be the reply ...........
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It is ...
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7 are already out.
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3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.
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and .........
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The first one was a DUCK.
There was a Japanese who went to India
There was a Japanese who went to India as a tourist. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport. During the journey, a Honda went very fast leaving the taxi behind. Thereupon, the man said to the taxi driver, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota car went very fast leaving the taxi behind and again the Japanese man said , "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi went very fast leaving the taxi behind. For the third time, the Japanese said the same thing, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"
There upon, the driver said back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
After a while, a Toyota car went very fast leaving the taxi behind and again the Japanese man said , "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi went very fast leaving the taxi behind. For the third time, the Japanese said the same thing, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"
There upon, the driver said back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
A Mechanical engineer
A Mechanical engineer becomes a mechanic. Then why not a software engineer become a software?
You can become an engineer
You can become an engineer if you go to an Engineering college. But do not expect to be a President going to the Presidency College
A little bird was flying south for the winter
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell on the ground. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered that there is a bird under the pile of cow dung, and the cat dug the bird out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone is your friend.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered that there is a bird under the pile of cow dung, and the cat dug the bird out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone is your friend.
ONE BOY AND TEN GIRLS
ONE BOY AND TEN GIRLS HANGING IN AN HELICOPTER BY ROPE. THE PILOT SAID OVER LOAD ONE MUST LEAVE.
THE BOY SAID I WILL SACRIFICE...
ALL GIRLS COULD NOT CONTROL THERE EMOTIONS SO THEY CLAPPED..
THE BOY SAID I WILL SACRIFICE...
ALL GIRLS COULD NOT CONTROL THERE EMOTIONS SO THEY CLAPPED..
OFFICE MATHS
Smart boss + smart employee = Profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = Production
Dumb boss + smart employee = Promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = Overtime
Smart boss + dumb employee = Production
Dumb boss + smart employee = Promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = Overtime
ROMANCE MATHS
Smart man + smart woman = Romance
Smart man + dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + smart woman = Marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = Pregnancy
Smart man + dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + smart woman = Marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = Pregnancy
Funny E-Mail Joke
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife. However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realizing this error, he sent the message. Meanwhile, Somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting message from her relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which reads
To: My loving wife
Subject: I have just reached
Date: 13th October 2006
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
MORAL OF THE STORY:- Be careful while sending e-mails
To: My loving wife
Subject: I have just reached
Date: 13th October 2006
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
MORAL OF THE STORY:- Be careful while sending e-mails
This joke is for those who do not meet friends due to work
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called as Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your friends completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two Good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. If you are overloaded, then please do the complete ANTIWORK scanning and quarantine the WORK
This virus is called as Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your friends completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two Good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. If you are overloaded, then please do the complete ANTIWORK scanning and quarantine the WORK
UKG Boy
UKG son to his mom : I am not going to school anymore
Mom: why?
Son: I am going to do work
Mom: What work you do after studying just UKG ?
Son: I will take tuition for LKG girls
Mom: why?
Son: I am going to do work
Mom: What work you do after studying just UKG ?
Son: I will take tuition for LKG girls
TAX STRUCTURE
1) What are you doing?
Ans : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) What are you doing in Business?
Ans : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!
3) From where are you getting Goods?
Ans : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX & CUSTOM DUTY
4) What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!
5) Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans : Factory.
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!
6) Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
7) Do you have Staff?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
8) Doing business in Millions?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No
Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax
9) Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX
10) Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX
11) Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX
12) Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX
13) How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX
14) Do you have any Wealth?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX
15) To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX
16) Have you purchased House?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE
17) How you Travel?
Ans : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE
18) Any Additional Tax?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!
19) Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY
20) Man : can I die now?
Ans : wait we are about to launch the funeral tax
Ans : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) What are you doing in Business?
Ans : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!
3) From where are you getting Goods?
Ans : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX & CUSTOM DUTY
4) What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!
5) Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans : Factory.
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!
6) Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
7) Do you have Staff?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
8) Doing business in Millions?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No
Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax
9) Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX
10) Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX
11) Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX
12) Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX
13) How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX
14) Do you have any Wealth?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX
15) To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX
16) Have you purchased House?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE
17) How you Travel?
Ans : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE
18) Any Additional Tax?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!
19) Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY
20) Man : can I die now?
Ans : wait we are about to launch the funeral tax
Doctor to patient
Doctor to patient : You will die within two hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
Kyon chalti hai pawan
Kyon chalti hai pawan, Due to Varying pressure zone formation.
Kyon jhoome hai gagan, Because of earth's revolution.
Kyon machalta hai mann, Problems with respiration.
Na tum jaano na hum. But I have just given all the reasons!
Kyon aati hai bahaar, Because of a change in season,
Kyon lutata hai karaar, Suffering from mental tension.
Kyon hota hai pyar, Because of opposites attraction.
Na tum jaano na hum. Seems you did not pay enough attention.
Kyon gum hai har disha, Because you have a poor sense of direction.
Kyon hota hai nasha, Because of drug addiction.
Kyon aata hai mazaa, Brains response to physical sensation.
Na tum jaano na hum. Even after all the explanations.....
Kyon jhoome hai gagan, Because of earth's revolution.
Kyon machalta hai mann, Problems with respiration.
Na tum jaano na hum. But I have just given all the reasons!
Kyon aati hai bahaar, Because of a change in season,
Kyon lutata hai karaar, Suffering from mental tension.
Kyon hota hai pyar, Because of opposites attraction.
Na tum jaano na hum. Seems you did not pay enough attention.
Kyon gum hai har disha, Because you have a poor sense of direction.
Kyon hota hai nasha, Because of drug addiction.
Kyon aata hai mazaa, Brains response to physical sensation.
Na tum jaano na hum. Even after all the explanations.....
A man was getting into
A man was getting into the shower just as his wife was finishing up her shower, at the same time the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel...'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob; after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
The husband asks, 'Did he say anything about giving back my $800 ?'
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel...'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob; after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
The husband asks, 'Did he say anything about giving back my $800 ?'
In An Interview
Manager asked to a man at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Man replied: POSTBOX.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Man replied: POSTBOX.
A Philosopher was giving speech
A Philosopher was giving speech to the people. He told to the people, “Always listen to your wife as she gives 100% sound advice.”
People asked him, “Please Sir, tell in details how the wife gives 100% sound advice?”
The Philosopher replied, “99% sound and 1% advice.”
People asked him, “Please Sir, tell in details how the wife gives 100% sound advice?”
The Philosopher replied, “99% sound and 1% advice.”
Exclamatory Sentence
Teacher: Three girls are walking in the road..........
What is the exclamatory for this sentence?
Student: WOW !
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What is the exclamatory for this sentence?
Student: WOW !
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How many questions
Dad: How many questions they asked in the test?
Son: Five
Dad: How many of them that you could not solve?
Son: First 3 and last 2.
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Son: Five
Dad: How many of them that you could not solve?
Son: First 3 and last 2.
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The Advertisement
What will be the advertisement for petrol in the year 2018?
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Buy eight liter petrol and get a car free
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Buy eight liter petrol and get a car free
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Coolest Place
Geography Teacher: Which is the most coolest place on Earth?
Student: Refrigerator
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Student: Refrigerator
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Chemical Formula For Water
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Student: HIJKLMNO.
Teacher: what are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said H to O
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Student: HIJKLMNO.
Teacher: what are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said H to O
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The NEWS Headlines In The Future May Be Like This
NEWS HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 3050:
*AN ARTIFICIAL SUN IS INVENTED BY ROBO 3820 OF SCIENTIST PETER CHUNG KUMAR OF AMERICAN- CHINESE-INDIAN-ORIGIN. THE ARTIFICIAL SUN WILL BE LAUNCHED IN THREE WEEKS TIME.
*A NEW DISEASE NAMED 'KUKU' FLU WAS FOUND IN MONKEYS LAST SPECIES OF ANIMALS LEFT ON EARTH.
*THE CONSTRUCTION OF FLYOVER BETWEEN EARTH AND MOON IS TEMPORARILY STOPPED DUE TO THE ALIEN STRIKES
*A NEW LAW IS PASSED BY INTERNATIONAL COURT FOR AIR TRAFFIC TO NOT USE MUSIC SYSTEMS WHILE DRIVING PERSONAL SPACE SHIPS.
*THE REASON FOR DEATH OF LEGENDARY POP SINGER MICHEAL JACKSON WAS DISCOVERED BUT NO ONE IS ALIVE TO BE PUNISHED.
*THIS YEARS OSCARS GOES TO MOVIE " THE ROBOT MILLIONAIRE ".
AND THAT'S ALL FOR NOW..........CONTROL YOUR WEATHER BY USING YOUR PERSONAL WEATHER PROOFS AND WEATHER CHANGING MACHINES. WE WILL MEET YOU ALL IN NEXT FIVE MINUTES UNTIL THEN.........KEEP WATCHING BLUE EARTH NEWS CHANNEL AND ANSWER QUESTIONS ASKED IN BETWEEN AND WIN A HOLIDAY TRIP TO THE PLANET JUPITER.
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*AN ARTIFICIAL SUN IS INVENTED BY ROBO 3820 OF SCIENTIST PETER CHUNG KUMAR OF AMERICAN- CHINESE-INDIAN-ORIGIN. THE ARTIFICIAL SUN WILL BE LAUNCHED IN THREE WEEKS TIME.
*A NEW DISEASE NAMED 'KUKU' FLU WAS FOUND IN MONKEYS LAST SPECIES OF ANIMALS LEFT ON EARTH.
*THE CONSTRUCTION OF FLYOVER BETWEEN EARTH AND MOON IS TEMPORARILY STOPPED DUE TO THE ALIEN STRIKES
*A NEW LAW IS PASSED BY INTERNATIONAL COURT FOR AIR TRAFFIC TO NOT USE MUSIC SYSTEMS WHILE DRIVING PERSONAL SPACE SHIPS.
*THE REASON FOR DEATH OF LEGENDARY POP SINGER MICHEAL JACKSON WAS DISCOVERED BUT NO ONE IS ALIVE TO BE PUNISHED.
*THIS YEARS OSCARS GOES TO MOVIE " THE ROBOT MILLIONAIRE ".
AND THAT'S ALL FOR NOW..........CONTROL YOUR WEATHER BY USING YOUR PERSONAL WEATHER PROOFS AND WEATHER CHANGING MACHINES. WE WILL MEET YOU ALL IN NEXT FIVE MINUTES UNTIL THEN.........KEEP WATCHING BLUE EARTH NEWS CHANNEL AND ANSWER QUESTIONS ASKED IN BETWEEN AND WIN A HOLIDAY TRIP TO THE PLANET JUPITER.
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On wedding night
On wedding night, a nervous husband tells his wife, "I am only five feet and six inches......"
Wife says, "...forget the five feet. Lets concentrate on the six inches."
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Wife says, "...forget the five feet. Lets concentrate on the six inches."
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Skin Meets Skin
When is that the skin meets skin, hair meets hair and the two balls disappear.
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think......
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its when you blink your eyes.
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think......
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its when you blink your eyes.
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One day God suddenly appeared
One day a man was blaming to God for his invisible character. God suddenly appeared to him and asked him to wish anything. The man was very happy and asked a bag full of money, a job and a vehicle full of girls.
And
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God made him a bus conductor of Special Ladies Bus...!
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And
Then
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God made him a bus conductor of Special Ladies Bus...!
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One morning at a doctors clinic
One morning at a doctors clinic. A patient visits complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and there was nobody. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him and I got back pain"
The second patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car accident. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look very serious. What the hell happened to you? "He replied, "I have been unemployed recently. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The third patient arrives. He looked even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you ?"
" I was sitting in a fridge and someone threw it from the third floor "
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The second patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car accident. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look very serious. What the hell happened to you? "He replied, "I have been unemployed recently. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The third patient arrives. He looked even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you ?"
" I was sitting in a fridge and someone threw it from the third floor "
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Did you know
Did you know that dolphins are very intelligent that within a few weeks of their captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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Alibaba and Forty Thieves
In those days, it was Alibaba and Forty Thieves
Now
it is Alibaba and Thirty Thieves
WHY?
What happened?
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Recession Boss!!!
Alibaba has removed ten thieves from his group…
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Now
it is Alibaba and Thirty Thieves
WHY?
What happened?
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Recession Boss!!!
Alibaba has removed ten thieves from his group…
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You will marry
You will marry by all means. If you get a good wife then you will be very happy. If you get a bad wife you will become a philosopher.
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Gift
Wife: Last night I saw you in a dream that you gifted me jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah........ and I saw your dad was paying the bill!
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Husband: yeah........ and I saw your dad was paying the bill!
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A boy tells
A boy tells his mother that he has seen a boy and a girl sitting at the top of the roof and kissing. His mother tells him that they are going to get married.
Then the boy asks his mother: When is dad going to marry the maid?
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Then the boy asks his mother: When is dad going to marry the maid?
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Photo In Wallet
Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. What is the reason?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am in your life?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can be greater than this one?
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Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am in your life?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can be greater than this one?
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Choices
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband: Yes....What are my choices?
Wife: Yes or No.
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Husband: Yes....What are my choices?
Wife: Yes or No.
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Expiry Date
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate from two hours.
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date.
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Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate from two hours.
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date.
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A Boy Wrote A Love Letter
A Boy Wrote A Love Letter From His Blood For A Medical Girl And Said "Please Give Me Your Reply Soon And Surly". Next Day The Girl Replied...........
Blood Group Is B+
Hemoglobin Is 8gm
Sugar Is 120
Pending Fees Is 180/-
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Blood Group Is B+
Hemoglobin Is 8gm
Sugar Is 120
Pending Fees Is 180/-
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The Bad NEWS
Surgeon: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you.
Patient: OK. Tell me the bad news first.
Surgeon: We received your test results from lab. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS.......! That's horrible.....! What's the very bad news?
Surgeon: I have been trying to reach and tell you this since yesterday.
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Patient: OK. Tell me the bad news first.
Surgeon: We received your test results from lab. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS.......! That's horrible.....! What's the very bad news?
Surgeon: I have been trying to reach and tell you this since yesterday.
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I lost my dog
Man: I lost my dog.
Police: Put an advertisement in newspaper.
Man: Do not be silly. My Dog cannot read newspaper!
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Police: Put an advertisement in newspaper.
Man: Do not be silly. My Dog cannot read newspaper!
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Future Tense
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence to future tense.
Student: The future tense is "u will go to jail"
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Student: The future tense is "u will go to jail"
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You love someone
You love someone
You marry to someone else.
The one you marry becomes your wife or husband.
And the one you loved becomes the password of your E-Mail ID
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You marry to someone else.
The one you marry becomes your wife or husband.
And the one you loved becomes the password of your E-Mail ID
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Bank Robbery Joke
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,' Did you
see me rob this bank?
The man replied, 'Yes, I saw you rob the bank.'
The robber then shot him and killed him. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man.......'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't see, but my wife saw you rob the bank!'
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Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,' Did you
see me rob this bank?
The man replied, 'Yes, I saw you rob the bank.'
The robber then shot him and killed him. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man.......'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't see, but my wife saw you rob the bank!'
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dance bar
The first topless dance bar of India opened in Mumbai in 1948.
Good News : It is still open
Bad News : The same girls are still dancing.
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Good News : It is still open
Bad News : The same girls are still dancing.
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A woman writes to the Technical support Guy
A woman writes to the Technical support Guy........
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
What can I do?
She got a reply back from the Technical Support Guy.
Dear Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. Remember....... overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
What can I do?
She got a reply back from the Technical Support Guy.
Dear Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. Remember....... overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
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woodcutter joke
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the God appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the God asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The God again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the God asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, ""No.""
The God went down again and came up with an iron Axe. ""Is this your axe?"" the God asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later, the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the God again appeared and asked him, ""Why are you crying?""
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The God went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the God asked..
""Yes,"" cried the woodcutter.
The God was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, ""Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .""
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The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the God asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The God again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the God asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, ""No.""
The God went down again and came up with an iron Axe. ""Is this your axe?"" the God asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later, the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the God again appeared and asked him, ""Why are you crying?""
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The God went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the God asked..
""Yes,"" cried the woodcutter.
The God was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, ""Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .""
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If time doesn't wait
*If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
*Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
*He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said , he who never lived, cannot die!
*A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
*Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
*All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
*10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
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Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
*Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
*He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said , he who never lived, cannot die!
*A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
*Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
*All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
*10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
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When do you CONGRATULATE
*Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.
*Four Ants were moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says: we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is alone and we are four.
*one good news and one bad news
Good News:
Buy 1 kg Tomato and get Nokia N96 FREE...!!
Bad News:
1 kg. Tomato is 32,000 Rs.!!!!
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.
*Four Ants were moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says: we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is alone and we are four.
*one good news and one bad news
Good News:
Buy 1 kg Tomato and get Nokia N96 FREE...!!
Bad News:
1 kg. Tomato is 32,000 Rs.!!!!
One GOOD way
*One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
*A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband made a wish and threw a coin in the well .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while and then smiled saying " It really works ! "
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
*A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband made a wish and threw a coin in the well .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while and then smiled saying " It really works ! "
husband and wife in chat
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !I forgot it... where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !I forgot it... where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
What is the similarity
What is the similarity between Bill Gates and me?........Don't know??................
He never comes to my house and I never go to his house
EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW...
He never comes to my house and I never go to his house
EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW...
Recording
boy 1: what R U doing?
boy 2: Recording this baby's voice.
boy 1: Why?
boy 2: When he grows up, I shall ask him what he meant by this
boy 2: Recording this baby's voice.
boy 1: Why?
boy 2: When he grows up, I shall ask him what he meant by this
helpful book
Teacher: Which book is the most helpful book in your life?
Student:My DAD'S Cheque book!
Student:My DAD'S Cheque book!
A young woman
A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...........She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' . I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' And The case was dismissed... .....!!!
Where are you?
Where are you? why you are not replying?
I m worried because in today's paper I read that due to thunder a monkey has been severely injured. So if you are safe, SMS me immediately.
I m worried because in today's paper I read that due to thunder a monkey has been severely injured. So if you are safe, SMS me immediately.
I saw you on ROAD today
I saw you on ROAD today.
you were looking SO fine, Ur face SO divine, your walk SO perfect. My HEART started singing a Sweet Song:
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!
you were looking SO fine, Ur face SO divine, your walk SO perfect. My HEART started singing a Sweet Song:
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!
wife to husband
Wife- i will die.
Husband- i will also die.
Wife-Why do you want 2 die?
husband- bcoz I won't be able to digest this wonderful news.
Husband- i will also die.
Wife-Why do you want 2 die?
husband- bcoz I won't be able to digest this wonderful news.
Your network
Your network tariff has changed Call charges are now calculated according to brain size. The smaller the cheaper. Congrats You can make free calls!
Dream makes all things possible
Dream makes all things possible, Hope makes all things work, love makes all things beautiful, smile makes all the above so always BRUSH UR TEETH!
What is a difference
What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey?
A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.
A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.
coffee black
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
WORLD'S SMALLEST RESIGNATION LETTER
WORLD'S SMALLEST RESIGNATION LETTER
Respected sir,
I love your wife.
Yours sincerely.
Respected sir,
I love your wife.
Yours sincerely.
girl friend and mobile
sir to student : what is the similarity between girl friend and mobile ?
student : sir , both are disconnected when there is no currency
student : sir , both are disconnected when there is no currency
height of stupidity
What is the height of stupidity ?
Ans : A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door
Ans : A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door
swimming pool
Director : you should jump to the swimming pool from 100 feet height
Actor : I do not know swimming
Director : do not worry , there is no water in the swimming pool
Actor : I do not know swimming
Director : do not worry , there is no water in the swimming pool
starting a business
what is the most important source of finance for starting a business?
Student: "Father in law"
Student: "Father in law"
beggar
Wife: I hate the beggar who came yesterday!
Husband: Why??
Wife: I gave him food yesterday & today he gifted me a book"How to Cook"
Husband: Why??
Wife: I gave him food yesterday & today he gifted me a book"How to Cook"
A man once went to temple..
A man once went to temple...
He was afraid that someone might steal his shoes so he left a notice, "DO NOT TRY TO STEAL MY SHOES, I' AM A BOXING CHAMPION"...
When he came back he found his shoes missing... Instead there was a notice "DON'T TRY TO CATCH ME, I' AM AN OLYMPIC CHAMPION IN RUNNING."
He was afraid that someone might steal his shoes so he left a notice, "DO NOT TRY TO STEAL MY SHOES, I' AM A BOXING CHAMPION"...
When he came back he found his shoes missing... Instead there was a notice "DON'T TRY TO CATCH ME, I' AM AN OLYMPIC CHAMPION IN RUNNING."
If you are married
If you are married please ignore this message, for everyone else.......... Happy Independence Day
Is there any way for long life?
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Doctor: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Doctor: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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